Sex and love's not real when it's from you (Part I)

Ahhhh, Spring. That magical time of year when a young man's fancy turns to love. Well, except me it would seem, even though I do fit the above criteria (I'm young and I'm a man, believe it or not). So why then, am I still SINGLE? Why am I not out there, actively looking for a relationship? The answer is simple¹.

It's because 2-dimensional girls are better than their real-life counterparts.

To prove it, I've made a list of the pros and cons of each type of girl.

2-dimensional girls

Pros:

1. They will never cheat on you; after all, you're the only male they'll ever have access to.

2. Interacting with them is like doing a multiple choice test, except there are no wrong answers.

3. Miss your girlfriend? Just load up your game and you're good to go.

4. PMS does not exist.

5. They will never ask for your real-life money.

6. If you get bored of her, your next girlfriend is as close as www.thepiratebay.org.

7. Will have physical features not commonly found in the real world. I'll leave it at that.

8. Screw up the relationship but you want to make up? It's as easy as loading your last save file.

9. They are all scantily clad. No exceptions.

10 You don't have to ask her out. It's already predestined.

Cons:

1. The length of your relationship is dependent upon how fast your play the game. Which is usually around 10 hours.

2. You can't actually cuddle with them. Or kiss them. Or do other adult activities with them.

3. When they talk, it usually sounds like a cross between a chipmunk and a 6-year-old girl.

4. Their love for you is expressed through Times New Roman, size 12.

Real-life girls

Pros:

1. The length of your relationship is dependent upon how many shiny baubles you buy her.
Uhh...that counts as a good thing I suppose.

2. You can cuddle with them as much as you want. And kiss them. And participate in adult activities. Unless you live in Maryland, of course.

3. Most girls don't actually sound like Chris Crocker. Seriously.

4. Their love for you is expressed through...see number 2 above.

Cons:

1. Infidelity has a chance of occurring. So does divorce.

2. Interacting with them is like doing a multiple choice test, except there are no right answers.

3. If you miss your girlfriend, you've actually got to pay money to text her and stuff. Who's got time to do that?

4. Every month, at around a certain time, she will get pissed at you for no good reason. No exceptions.

5. Just count yourself lucky that her birthday doesn't fall between your anniversary and Valentine's Day.

6. If you get bored of her, you'd have to repeat the whole mating dance ritual process all over again. PLUS you have to watch your back, especially if you live in Japan.

7. Physical features are restricted to her genetic material. Turquoise hair is also out of the question.

8. Screw up the relationship and you want to make up? Start with flowers, slowly working your way up to your left pinky on a plate.

9. Unfortunately, societal norms dictate that a certain amount of clothing be worn in our day-to-day lives.

10 The male courtship dance, otherwise known as “asking a girl out”, is often a nerve-wracking and distressing event. Children under the age of 14 or 160cm need not apply.

And there you have it. Undebatable proof that 2-dimensional girls are, indeed, superior to real-life girls. Now excuse me while I load up Hisui-chan.

Kyaaa! Kawaii desu ne?~~

¹No, the answer is not “commitment”. Har har har.

Post-script: This post was inspired both by the following video and by a conversation I had with certain people on IRC. Y'all know who you are.

Post-post-script: Part II, if I ever get around to it, will probably be rated 18A and contain many penis jokes. You have been forewarned.

CARAMELL DANSU!

Those silly Japanese. Whatever will they think of next?

Empathy has its limits

I wonder why certain people hold this belief that the world is inherently a nice place.

It isn't.

Last week, me and my mates were at a bubbletea place, and one of the waitresses dropped a box filled with little somethings. Because the world has laws (in this case, gravity) that oppress us and keep us from being happy individuals, the little somethings scattered across the floor. Nothing major, right? I mean, compared to contracting AIDS or meeting Hilary Clinton in person, this event really isn't all that traumatic. Right? Wrong.

The waitress immediately start crying. And when I say crying, I mean crying.

Okay, so you did it in front of all the customers. Maybe your house burned down that morning, your dog ate your grandmother and died of indigestion, and your boyfriend decided that Hilary Clinton's ass was more appealing than yours. So what. In the grand scheme of things, your little mishap did not matter. Like at all. You're gonna go through life facing a lot more shit (e.g. combustion of shelter, murderous canines, perfidious boyfriends, etc.). If you're going to shed tears over every little injustice you suffer, then you're better off dead. Because really, eternal rest is a far better choice than spending half your paycheque on Kleenex.

So maybe it's my misanthropic nature talking. But really now, crying over spilled little somethings? What would your mother say?

p.s. one of my friend's actually felt like crying after seeing the aforementioned waitress cry. i'm not even gonna go there.

p.p.s. keep in mind that this waitress didn't really look like the damsel in distress type. she had the make-up, the tight jeans, the whole nine yards. she looked like she was serious business. that probably made me want to ridicule her more though, har har har.