SUGOI MONOGATARI, ANIKI

How to lose friends and alienate people

2011-04-23T05:09:00.000-07:00

You know what one of the worst feelings in the world is? That moment of truth when you realize that someone that you once respected is in fact completely undeserving of that respect.

Six months ago I would never have guessed that my life would get flip-turned upside down into an episode of Gossip (Gothip?) Girl. Six months ago, I would have laughed in your face if you'd even suggested such a thing. But I know better now.

It would appear that certain people just can't seem to keep their tools in their sheaths, so to speak. Lust can drive even the strongest man down a dark path. Just look at that Samson bloke, meets a pretty face and lets her cut off all his hair. But anyway, I digress.

Point is, there are some things that you just don't do to your friends. Hell, it'd probably be a pretty scummy thing to do to a complete stranger. Date a friend's ex two weeks after they break up? Check. Withhold this from everyone due to fear of being found out? Check. Continue comforting said friend even while dating his ex? Check. Decide to hold a "meeting" to talk about "feelings" because word finally leaked out? MOTHERFUCKING CHECK, IT'S ALL ABOARD THE SCUMBAG TRAIN AND THERE'S NO HOLDING BACK.

Now, I have been accused in the past of having a somewhat narrow view on matters such as these (including my parents, I might add; they're awfully libertarian about this sort of thing for a middle-aged Chinese couple). The Bro Code is my Bible, and every night before I sleep I pray to our Heavenly Bro to endow all of his bro-children with Bro-telligence. I've also been accused of investing too much emotion into friends' squabbles. "Your problem," my friend would say, "is that you empathize too much." Better too much than too little, I would say. If Iago had several slivers of empathy, Othello would still be a-moorin'.

All in all, this weekend has turned into somewhat of a...bro-tastrophe, one could say (and goddammit Rebecca Black, this Friday fucking sucked). Lucky for me, I have my friends Molson and Labatt to keep me company.

And as one friend commented on this whole debacle, "it's like Yoko Ono meets the Beatles all over again!" And you know what, he's right. Even the ethnicity is about 50% correct. And hell, if that makes me Ringo Starr...well. That's okay in my books.

LOVE IS IN THE AIR, NOT IN YOUR PANTS, MORON: part 2

2011-03-30T04:04:00.000-07:00

You know shit just got serious when I return to blogging after a five month hiatus.

While this lingering feeling of malaise is certainly not new, certain recent events could be interpreted as the straw that broke the camel's back, or so the saying goes. For those who know me well, I am not one who speaks frankly of my true feelings often. Using humour to disengage from an uncomfortable situation is my forté. This talent, I find, has allowed me to navigate through most of my high school and young adult life without much drama.

Thus, it is with much regret and yearning for halcyon days that I now proceed.

The astute reader may have deduced from the title of my post that this post has something to relationships. Or, shall I say, "relationshits". It astounds me how so many people feel that they are somehow...incomplete, as a person, if they do not have a (temporary) companion to share their life with (indeed, some almost feel entitled to one, but more on that later). Invariably, I will be inundated with the laments of my less fortunate friends, usually around mid February.

Shit, son, maybe you ought to take a long hard look at yourself before you start criticizing the fairer sex. It is my sincere belief that if you are not able to be happy alone, then you have no right (nor capacity) to be in a relationship.

Quite frankly, I normally could not care less about other peoples' relationship woes. I will dispense advice if asked but as a rule, I keep my hands clean. Life is easier that way. If you decide to make a fool of yourself in your pursuit of happiness I will consider you a temporary amusement, but will largely refrain from criticism of your actions. It is when, through your ham-fisted attempts at courtship that you create ripples through our group's dynamics that I take offence.

If someone were to ask me, hypothetically, about any deal-breakers I may have in terms of friendship or relationships, they would be as follows:

Selfishness. It may be true that when push comes to shove, we are all selfish people acting in our own self-interest. However, when the cost of reaching your goal comes at the cost of someone else's happiness, that's when I draw the line. I do appreciate the irony when the goal and that someone else are coincidentally the same, but that's a story for another time.

Lack of self-respect. I find it difficult to respect someone who does not respect themself. After all, isn't respect the foundation of any lasting relationship? The only feeling I can conjure up for anyone with no self-respect is pity, a feeling which also applies to gingers and homeless people.

Disloyalty. You really don't need a PhD in Brolosophy to grasp the meaning of loyalty. Don't backstab your friend. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Don't make empty promises. This trait, if anything, is the kryptonite of any successful relationship. If socializing with your friends feels like socializing with the Medicis, there's something very wrong.

Now before someone accuses me of stirring up the hornet's nest, that I'm making things more complicated, that I am behaving mawkishly, that I am in fact guilty of disloyalty myself...I will contend that I am the only one who cares enough or is willing to expose the elephant in the room. One that has, in fact, been in the room for months. I will not deny that this post was incredibly cathartic to write, but I do not speak these words with pleasure. To paraphrase Sophocles, no one loves the messenger who brings bad news. Don't read too deeply into this post either. It is not meant to be an exercise in "six degrees of separation".

As for whether or not I will continue to blog on a regular basis, that remains to be seen. In all honesty, this was one of the first times in recent memory that I've felt strongly enough about an issue that I felt the need to write about it (Dragon Age 2 is another, but that post is still in the works). Several friends of mine have started blogs of their own, so I may be motivated to do more writing in my spare time. We shall see how this story goes.

'Til next time.

Rumours of my demise have been greatly exaggerated

2010-10-04T00:23:00.000-07:00

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that whenever something becomes hugely popular, will also become the object of ire and disdain by some solely for the sake of being contrarian. Twilight, a young-adult “vampire-romance” (is that a subgenre now, Wikipedia?) novel written by Stephenie Meyer, is widely adored by 13-year-old girls and 40-year-old housewives nationwide, yet reviled Internet book-critics. Why all the hate?

From what I've gleaned from friends and various Internet forums (mainly Reddit), the consensus boils down to the following points:

It gives young, impressionable girls unrealistic expectations of sexual relationships;
It is poorly written;
It depicts vampires in an unrealistic manner;
It turned my girlfriend/wife/SO into a vampire-loving whore, and I am now being compared to Edward Cullen at every turn;
And finally, the fanbase is largely pants-on-head retarded.

To which I say...

Disney has been doing it for eighty-seven years, and nobody bitches about how The Little Mermaid curtails female independence.
This remains to be seen, but in my experience most young-adult novels aren't beacons of literary excellence.
As there are no historical records of vampires in existence, this particular point of criticism is void. Alternatively, would you prefer every literary trope to remain static and unchanging?*
Why blame Ms. Meyer for the failings of your own relationship?
You could look at anything that is widely popular and find equally stupid fans, and the converse is also true. Not everyone who plays Dungeons & Dragons lives in their parents' basement, not ever pro-footballer runs a dog-fighting ring, and not every Twilight fan prefers the warm (cold?) embrace of an imaginary vampire over that of their real-life partner.

In an attempt to evaluate whether Twilight really is the literary abomination that so many claim it to be, my plan is as follows: I will read several chapters of the book every day, and blog about my experiences here. Friends have questioned my sanity in my decision to embark upon my quest, but my reasons for doing so are twofold. Firstly, as an English minor the idea that a mere book is capable of kindling such vitriol is rather curious to myself. Secondly, written anything solely for the sake of just writing for a very long time.

And thus, my very own “Twilight Saga” saga begins.

*Take high fantasy, for example. Ever since Mr. Tolkien brought Middle Earth to life, elves have possessed an ethereal beauty and excelled at ranged combat. Dwarves have lived underground, were fierce warriors, and master smiths. Orcs were evil and uncivilized. After reading about the elven scout Dal'Shirai gracefully swing down from an oak branch while her long, flaxen hair trails languidly behind her for the fifteenth time, one is ready for some change (I'm looking at you, Bioware).

Maladroit terrapin

2010-06-10T05:30:00.000-07:00

It has been said that Chuck Norris, in his infinite wisdom, once had an awkward moment just to know what it felt like.

Said moments appear to be happening to me at a rather frequent rate as of late. For example...

Scene one. A couple weeks ago, me and my mates were volunteering for the Richmond Center for Disability. Prior to that, we'd taken a course on sensitivity training. What to say, what not to say; common sense stuff, really. Then, during an activity involving compasses and bags of eggs, Friend A says something, and Friend B responds with this gem:

That's so retarded.

He realizes his faux pas a second later. Cue three Asian guys staring at each other in horror. Volunteer C is staring at us with murder in her eyes. The...uh...offended demographic continues searching for eggs. I guess we were lucky nobody was really paying attention to our shenanigans.

Scene two. Me and my (different) mates (I've been saying mates a lot lately; I'm using it ironically so it's not like I'm a hipster or anything) are just hanging out, discussing the meaning of life, typical post-adolescent shit. The topic turns to relationships. Someone says something along the lines of "everybody being in a relationship nowadays", and I make an off-handed remark in the vein of "maybe I should see about getting one myself, nudge wink say no more". The topic immediately turns to...

What kind of girls do Vass (me) like?!? My face: D:<

I mean, it's not as if I can bring my real fetishes out now, right?

Moving right along...

I don't think I can look at a chicken wing for another week or so. Or a piece of sushi, for that matter. I learned a valuable lesson yesterday, after AYCE dinner with my mates on the eve of Stamkos' future wife's wisdom teeth extraction. And that is: never go to AYCE with Asian girls, they eat like chipmunks and the menfolk are stuck with the task of finishing up the leftover food. Oh, and when playing a game where you name car manufacturers alphabetically, "Mazda" is not a suitable answer if you're going first.

Actually, I'm hungry now. I could go for some...wings.

I think I should cut this post short, it's 5am and I'm just rambling. It's like I'm writing stream of consciousness or something. Like James Joyce. With less fucking the farts out of...nevermind.

p.s. girls are so forward these days! The other day I was on the Skytrain with a friend of mine and this girl, out of the blue, asks my friend: "Where'd you get that backpack? I'm going on a backpacking trip to somewhere and I'm looking for something similar and something something..." I stopped paying attention there. Point is, the question was just...random. No lead-in, no introduction, nothing. And after he answered the question the girl didn't even take the conversation anywhere. She just stopped talking, leaving friend and me...well, talking about backpacks. Maybe she just really sucks at hitting on guys, or something.

p.p.s. I've only just realized that Weezer's Pinkerton album is chock full of references to Puccini's Madama Butterfly, which I saw at the QE Theatre this past Tuesday (I guess I am a hipster, after all). The album name itself, "listening to Cio-Cio-San" (El Scorcho), the closing song ("I told you I would return when the Robin makes his nest), etc. Gosh, no wonder this album sold terribly in America. Nation of Philistines, the lot of 'em.

Go web!

2010-03-24T09:14:00.000-07:00

So I woke up this morning (not feeling particularly like P. Diddy) and there's a fucking spider on my wall.

It wasn't one of those small, harmless ones either. This fucker was larger than my thumbnail. So what do I do?

I didn't want to squish it, as that would leave an unsightly stain on my wall. So I hit upon the idea of scooping the spider up gently with a piece of paper and flinging it outside. Unfortunately the spider had other plans.

As soon as the paper touched the spider it immediately fell off the wall onto the carpet. Which was brown. Like the spider.

So now I have a spider lurking about in my room. FML.

DELICIOUS CAKE OM NOM NOM

2009-11-13T09:44:00.001-08:00

Or, the cake is a lie ;_;

Anyway I've developed a new scale to measure female attractiveness, as I feel that a numerical scale is too constrictive in calculating something as diverse as physical attraction.

"Pastry Scale of Female Sexual Attractiveness" is a follows, from top (will sell soul to mate with) to bottom (ugly as sin):

Tiramisu - ex. Emma Stone

Chocolate cake - ex. Zooey Deschanel

Sponge Cake - ex. Gemma Arterton (shown on the left; although Daniel Craig's not bad either.)

Cupcake - ex. Miley Cyrus

Pop tart - ex. Post-addiction Lindsay Lohan

Fruit cake - ex. Courtney Love

McDonald's Apple Pie - Oprah (on a good day)

There's a rather steep decline near the end of the scale, and that is this system's greatest flaw. There simply are no pastries that you'd ingest if you were drunk, then regret it the next morning.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. Have a nice day.

p.s. happy birthday Chuu!

The best laid schemes of mice and men...

2009-07-12T23:12:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday.

Happy birthday! I'm no longer a teenager, which makes me sad. What's worse, I'm an adult without a driver's license. Shame on me.

So, on a whim (or maybe it was planned, nobody tells me these things), my friends and I went to Playland today. For those of you who are not from the Lower Mainland, Playland is an amusement park. One of its main attractions is the "flume ride", where visitors sit in simulated logs which run on tracks immersed in water. Essentially, the point is to...well I guess the point is to get wet but everyone makes a show of not getting wet.

Because of physics and the angle at which the logs enter the water at the bottom of the slide, whoever sits in the front of the log would suffer the most (needless to say, the heavier you are, the bigger the spash you'll make, etc.). The discussion regarding who sat where went like this:

Girl 1: Shotty back!
Girl 2: Shotty middle!
Me: ...shit.

So everyone (except me) was happy with the seating arrangements, and we settled down into our seats. Then, disaster struck.

A fat caucasian couple sat down in front of us. As a result, everyone was soaked :/

Later on, during dinner, after the server was informed that it was my birthday, he asks me, totally out of the blue:

Server: Is one of these girls your girlfriend?
Me: *shifty eyes* NO.

Several minutes pass.

Server: So, is your girlfriend not here?
Me: ........I don't have a girlfriend.

Maybe I'm so irresistable that it was unimaginable that I, of all people, would be single.

Oh, and we saw the Japanese Emperor's motorcade after we exited the restaurant. Arigatou gozaimasu~

DEATH TO THE INFIDELS.

2009-05-21T19:22:00.000-07:00

...or something like that.

Too much Dawn of War is bad for you. I kept hearing the lines that Space Marine units spout inside my head.

Anyway, so today after class I hung out with lemonade (yes, anthropomorphic citrus drinks are the new thing) at Metrotown. As a result, I learn many new things.

1. At Kingspark Goodfood, one can buy a complete meal with THREE BIG SCOOPS OF RICE for only $6. And for only 75 cents more, you even get a LEMON DRINK.

I am inherently distrustful of Engrish-named stores, so I stuck with my spicy wonton in soup.

2. Macroeconomics online quizzes are more fun when done with a partner. Especially if said partner has no knowledge of economics whatsoever.

3. A fruitless quest for "shoe goo" was had, but not before delicious Tim Horton's iced capp was consumed. I think this list is turning more into a "things we saw" than a "things I learned".

4. On a sudden whim, we visited Games Workshop to check out Warhammer 40k figurines. There, a very enthusiastic salesperson accosted us and told us many interesting things about Space Marines. He could've become a Chaplain, with all his zealotry (For the Emperor!).

5. Apparently girls get a discount on MTG tournament entry fees. Yes, they're that desperate.

6. I have this urge to buy Halo/RE5 (Sheva!!!)/Twilight figurines and mash them together. Especially Sheva and Edward. MmMmMmMMMmmm.

7. Lemonade and I got into a little debate about the merits of Green Day. Well, we're in agreement now, their new album's actually more than half decent.

8. As I was walking home, I saw this middle-aged Southeast Asian woman walking towards me, wearing a pair of tight TNA-esque pants with "Loose Thing" emblazoned across the front. Yes, I kid you not.

On a more somber note, the front page of the Globe and Mail today was about the disappearance of Tori Stafford, late of Woodstock, Ontario. More specifically, the cops have arrested (but not yet Tazored) the two suspects in her case. They also believe that the girl is dead.

Man never ceases to surprise me with his savagery.

Bigger Boys and Stolen Sweethearts...

2009-05-14T16:09:00.000-07:00

...or, Chubby Girls and Tighter Levi's :(

Seriously, what's with the fascination with curve-hugging jeans, girls? Yes, I'm looking at you, girl sitting beside me on the bus today. And you too, girl walking in front of me on the way to class.

I mean, if the point is to look desirable to the opposite sex (or the same sex, whatever floats your canoe), I can tell you now, it doesn't work.

Especially when it jiggles.

;_;

"King of kings"

2009-03-30T14:16:00.000-07:00

Three things I've learned after watching Watchmen.

1. Humans are inherently evil.

2. It is acceptable to sacrifice the few to save the many (Dickens would not be pleased).

And lastly...

3. Rape is awwwwwwwright, as long as the baby turns out fine.

The end.

Post V-Day Stress Disorder

2009-02-15T02:42:00.000-08:00

Ahh spring, the magical time of ye-WAIT NONE OF THAT NOW, WAKE UP.

I still remember in elementary school, when everyone gave everyone V-Day cards. Then as we got older, the number of cards would diminish every year (for me, anyway). At around grade 4, the influx of cards would stop. So ronery ;_;

But anyway, that wasn't the story I wanted to tell today.

A couple of friends and I were walking down to the delicious local Burger King for some post-work dinner (yea, I worked on the 14th), and lo and behold, one of them suddenly exclaims...

Friend 1: Hey guys! There a chick crying in that cafe!
Me: Where? Lets go comfort her!
Friend 1: She probably got dumped by her boyfriend on Valentine's Day.
Friend 2: Maybe it's just because of the economy.
Me: If it was the economy, she should've been crying yesterday.

What interesting friends I have.

In conclusion, the moral of the story is: no matter how lonely and depressed you think you are, there is always, always, someone more lonely and depressed than you. So if you put everything into context, your life ain't that bad afterall.

Cheerio.

16 things I hate about you.

2009-01-27T00:43:00.001-08:00

This doesn't really count as a post since it's already been done on Facebook so...just take this as a rehash post-count +1 thing. Anyhow. 16 random facts about me:

1.I have never kissed a girl.

2.Contrary to popular belief, I am not a weeaboo. I merely enjoy spouting random Japanese phrases at inopportune times desu.

3.My dad buys most of my clothes for me. Especially pants. Without him, I'd be pantless.

4.I think music elitists are idiots. That said, THE JONAS BROTHERS FUCKING SUCK.

5.I am not actually “ronery”. I just tend to indulge in the more melancholic aspects of life. Although, I don't think anyone will believe me when I say this.

6.The only book/movie/etc. to make me cry, ever, was Three Comrades by Erich Maria Remarque. Hitler probably read the book and decided that since Jews were so depressing, he'd kill them all.

7.I prefer Pepsi over Coke.

8.I'm so skinny, people frequently mistake me for an anorexic. That said, girls are often jealous of my svelte figure.

9.I love (Asian) horror movies. Problem is, all of my friends are pansies so I never actually get to watch any.

10.I don't think I'm a very interesting person. It's only been 9 points and I'm already running out of things to say about myself.

11.I am not against lolicon. I may not endorse it, but I am also not against it. Take that as you will.

12.My iPod is my best friend. I forget my cellphone, keys, and wallet, but never my iPod.

13.Roulette by System of a Down is my favourite song at this exact moment in time.

14.I browse 4chan, but only /a/, /v/, and sometimes /ck/.

15.Sometimes I surprise even myself with my immaturity.

16.That's what SHE said.

So ronery ;_;

Big Brother is watching

2009-01-15T19:38:00.001-08:00

So I was browsing YouTube today and I came across something disturbing.

You know how YouTube has a "Recommended for You" section, where they suggest videos that you may be interested in? I found this gem on that list today:

Do they think I'm a pedophile or something?!? Those girls aren't even legal! I can kinda pictures the FBI monitoring that video, tracing the IP addresses of anyone that watches it. Then showing up at their door. "Sir, we've been informed that you have been watching girls in skimpy skirts dancing on YouTube. Please come with us."

Those girls sure have nice..........................................ears.

"A guru with karreidoscopu eyes"

2009-01-08T20:37:00.000-08:00

He sounds like fucking Scooby Doo after a night overindulging in wasabi.

My head hurts...

2009-01-08T00:39:00.001-08:00

The title's not supposed to be deep or referencing something. It really does hurt right now.

Anyways, I was talking to a friend and the topic of French came up during the conversation. She asked me to say something in French. I told her that I (almost) failed it in high school. We concluded that I would most probably not be able to survive in France as I would only be able to:

1. Ask to sleep with someone;
2. Ask permission to use the washroom;
3. Tell everyone that the cheese is delicious.

In any case, this is no cause for alarm as I'm not planning a trip to France anytime soon. Those people are only good for making champagne and losing wars.

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in France?
A: Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

p.s. As a part of my nonexistent New Year's resolutions I've decided to post here on a more regular basis. A decently sized post every Thursday sounds good.

p.p.s. After watching White Album I felt a sudden urge to make this into an anime blog. But...that would require a lot of work and I'm not particularly fond of that. We'll see how it goes.

Once upon a midnight dreary

2008-12-24T10:44:00.000-08:00

First things first.

IT'S ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS OUTSIDE. Everything's covered in a fine layer of white. Except. The snow's so fucking deep that I can't go outside because, well, I don't own snowshoes.

Anyways, for the topic of the day: I'm now officially an insomniac.

Recently (i.e. after exam season) I've started a trend of staying awake until around 6 in the morning (cs:s sessions, anime/manga marathoning, etc.) and then waking up sometime later in the evening. It's gotten to the degree that I'd forego sleep for a day because, well, it's already too bright outside for me to fall asleep. And it's winter time now.

I've learned several things during this time:

1. It gets rather lonely at night, mainly because there's nobody online (baaawwww).
2. You can never have too much coffee.
3. Gaming skill is apparently not affected by degree of wakefulness >.>
4. Girls with yaoi complexes can be scary things, indeed.
5. IRC Mafia is even more messed up than its real-life counterpart.
5.5. Spreading AIDS can be fun.
6. 2D is awesome.

Needless to say I'm oftentimes not-quite-here during the time when most people are most active. Sorry for the Rock Band suckage guys...now you know.

(Incidentally, someone broke the drum pedals yesterday, har har.)

I bought Left 4 Dead a week ago, and I must say it's the most fun I've had in a multiplayer, perhaps to date. Playing as the survivors isn't much fun though; in that regard it's much the same as any other shooter out there: enemies come, point and click, move on (although I must say the AI is superb and the graphics are pretty). What's REALLY awesome is playing as the special Infected. You lurk in the darkness/corner/rooftop and wait as an unsuspecting Survivor runs past. Online griefing at its best.

There is one character that ilicits some unintended comedy though. Zoey the cute, Chuck Taylor-wearing college chick. One has to wonder about her sleeping arrangements, trapped in "safe rooms" with three other men. Anyhow, there is a new rule in place: Zoey MUST NOT BE ALLOWED TO DIE during games, as she is the last hope of mankind. Which leads to some hilarious situations, as the special Infected almost invariably target her during versus games, leading to exclamations of genuine grief and rage.

One last thing. Christmas is almost here! And it seems like we'll get one with snow, for once.

For those of you lacking fe/male comfort this holiday season: string up some mistletoe on a streetlamp, and lie in wait (should be easy with all this snow around). Then when an unsuspecting passerby passes by...you spring your trap. Flawless victory!

p.s. Santa Claus is a fucking pedo, seriously. I mean, why else would he know where ALL THE KIDS IN THE WORLD live, as well as a list of who's been NAUGHTY OR NICE? Definitely suspicious. The FBI should keep him on the watchlist. That is all.

Dericious Grape Fravour~

2008-12-19T02:46:00.001-08:00

So, I have it on good authority that boinking a vampire feels kinda like schliking a popsicle.

What say you, Twilight fans?

Oh, you

2008-12-17T06:37:00.001-08:00

Working for a scanlation group does have its hazards, I suppose.

We miss you, moo.

2008-12-06T00:29:00.000-08:00

I have a confession to make. I used to play Counter-Strike: Source religiously. I'm somewhat ashamed of that fact, but it's true.

And there was one server that I'd always play on. NG's 24/7 Office Hideout. Mainly because the playerbase was relatively mature and I had decent ping on the server. I played enough that I'd hover around the 250th place mark, so naturally I got to know a couple of the regulars by name.

One of them was moo.

I logged on for the first time in two weeks today, and the first thing that I see is that moo had died a couple of days ago while on duty in Iraq.

It's rather different when someone you know through online channels die. It feels almost...less real than any other death. You keep expecting to seem them magically pop up. But that is surely not going to happen.

RIP, mate.

"No! Don't put it there!"

2008-12-04T03:38:00.000-08:00

So I was on my way home on the Skytrain today, listening to Berlin's "Take My Breath Away", and watching the clouds go by. At that moment in time, all was good in my world. The guy sitting next to me didn't smell too bad, my exam was still 22 hours away, and there was a cute girl sitting two rows to the front and one row to the left for me to ogle at. BUT THEN. I see it. A travesty most foul, occurring right in front of my eyes. It was...

Time and the Earth stood still. I was flabbergasted. What the heck is this guy trying to pull? Is he trying to...I don't even want to describe it, otherwise I'd have to change the content rating for this blog. His pelvis was literally ten centimeters from the girl's face. The girl had her legs wrapped around his legs and he was bending over and oh God I can't continue this.

Message to all you budding exhibitionalist porn stars out there: please don't do this on a fast moving train. After all, if it comes to a sudden stop, inertia may cause certain...stuff...to fly in my direction. So please. Backyard or something, please.

It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's...

2008-12-02T00:28:00.000-08:00

CHUN LI!!!!!!11

Her thighs aren't quite large enough though. So as of now she's somewhat of a...mini-Chun Li. Needs some more of this and this, methinks.

Sex and love's not real when it's from you (Part II)

2008-11-25T10:37:00.000-08:00

This isn't really a real sequel to Part I, but it happened yesterday and it's got some rather amusing imagery. But first, some background info on the text (IRC logs, incoming).

A couple of guys and a girl were talking about dating. Specifically, how to ask a girl out.

Mochi: my brother is baking a cake for the girl he likes
aqua: that's sweet
quincy: i wrote a poem for the girl i liked :x
be0wulf: quincy, you pansy. girls don't take after poems any longer. you just call them up and be like.."hey i like you, wanna go for a movie sometime?"
quincy: well, she told me to write it, so i did
aqua: i think writing a poem is better than making a mixtape

So naturally the discussion turned to poems and their merits.

quincy: be0wulf, i guarantee if you wrote a sestina about a girl, she'll go on a date with you, if you're smooth about it
Mochi: wet meadows
quincy: wet meadows sound dirty
Masao: wet meadows sound kinky

And the conversation quickly loses its initial innocent intentions.

xenosagafreak: slick meadows
xenosagafreak: slippery meadows
quincy: moist meadows
be0wulf: tasty juicy meadows, dripping with...juices
be0wulf: wait, are we still talking about grass?
Masao: if there's grass on the field play ball
Masao: even if there isn't, play ball then too

I think its safe to say that meadows have now become a metaphor for...something. However:

quincy: grassy hills
be0wulf: HAHA QUINCY LIKES GRASSY HILLS
be0wulf: meadows = metaphor for _______
be0wulf: hills = metaphor for _______
aqua: be0wulf we get it we don't care hairy breasts or not

He attempts to save himself.

quincy: i'm talking about the mons veneris
quincy: know your female anatomy
be0wulf: okay whatever
be0wulf: you can go have your grassy hills

Lesson to be learned today: IRC is a dangerous place. We'll take what you think you know, twist it into something unrecognizable, and will still manage to turn that into something erotic. You have been warned.

p.s. this actually isn't the one i was planning on releasing this week, but it was just so funny i couldn't help myself. i've got two more entries lined up (one's part III of this series, one's a surprise) for this week and next, so look forward to it.

Cheer up, emo kid~

2008-11-20T23:45:00.000-08:00

You know what's wrong with emo/scene people? Their styles of dress are so androgynous that sometimes it's impossible to tell if one is male or female. I mean, both genders, when emo, dress in tight jeans, tight sweaters, and Chuck Taylors. Then there's the haircut. The Emo Fringe can either signify a female with short hair or a male with long hair.

Take today for example. I was on the bus and this...thing...gets on.

Semi-long emo fringe: check.
Lack of facial hair: check.
Tight jeans. Tight sweater. Chuck Taylors: check, check, and check.

So s/he sits down and I'm just staring at him/her, trying to place a gender on the kid. It was a fairly interesting 10 minutes until s/he got off at Granville street.

As s/he was getting off, I noticed that his/her backpack strap was pink.

Score?

LIFE EXTENDING AGENTS FOR ALL!!!

2008-11-11T18:00:00.000-08:00

Apparently it's an rpg, and Aurica is a sick little girl who requires "life extending agents" in order to survive. She's also underage. So if you find this arousing, you're a sickfuck.

lul, jam it all the way in.

Diabetes Awareness Day...

2008-11-01T16:21:00.000-07:00

...is what they should rename Halloween as. I don't think I want to look a Kit-Kat bar in the face ever again, in my life.

Incidentally, drive-thru windows are too complicated.

And also, somebody fails at setting up fireworks >.>

You're a freak...just like me.

2008-10-28T01:22:00.000-07:00

First off. Asphyxiation, no. Sodomy, yes. And if you believe otherwise, you're a freak. What a strange world we live in.

I've come to the conclusion that many people go to the art gallery solely for the benefit of being able to tell their friends that they'd "gone to the art gallery". On a recent trip to the Vancouver Art Gallery, I overheard several middle-aged women discussing a TV show. In an art gallery. Discussing a TV show. That's almost like displaying the swastika in a synagogue.

On a happier note, I scored two free bags of chips and a chocolate bar from a UBC vending machine yesterday. Someone (or three someones) apparently couldn't figure out how to open the door to get their snack (it was stuck, somehow). So I, being the genius that I am, smashed the door several times with my fists. The door yielded. I had free food.

However, while I was hammering the door, I thought of this. I'm incorrigible.

re: Why so serious? (Lets put a smile on that face)

2008-10-26T21:10:00.000-07:00

You know, I'm a fan of the sad-stories-with-happy-endings genre too. Think Oliver Twist, except Nancy doesn't die and she hooks up with Oliver...somehow. Unfortunately, sswhe's are extremely rare. So rare, in fact, that I honestly can't think of one off the top of my head.

Incidentally, I had some tomato juice today. So ronery ;_;

Anyhow, emo is bad. If God exterminated all the emos in this world, it would be a much happier place. However, the razor blade market would collapse, and with it the world economy. Iceland would go bankrupt, and polar bears would become homeless. Then they'd turn to drugs, and there'd be an uproar about the construction of a Safe Injection Site. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore.

A wild Hitler appears!
Hitler uses Genocide!
It's super-effective!

Why so serious?

2008-10-23T00:27:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make. I think I might be a masochist.

No, that doesn't necessarily mean I have an unnatural attraction to fuzzy pink handcuffs. It just so happens that my tastes in regards to entertainment appear to be contradicting each other.

I'm a sucker for happy endings. Really, I am. Despite the front I put up of being EMO and SCENE I'm actually quite warm and fuzzy inside (hur, hur). So when I watch something, I invariably find myself rooting for the protagonists (and since I'm also a sucker for romantic dramas *gasp* this means I want the protagonists to FALLINLOVE/GETMARRIED/HAVEKIDS).

However, the shows that I end up loving are also invariable EMO BAWFESTS. Saikano. Byousoku 5cm. NHK. Elfen Lied. KgNE. Sola. These shows all have one thing in common. The actors either FUCKUP/DIE/DOESNOTGETTHEGIRL. The fact that I'd been hoping with all my heart that there be a happy ending does not help matters at all. It just makes the SAD EMO ending all the more SAD and EMO. And causes me to obsess over the show for several days. Until I find something else to emo over, after which the cycle continues.

So why do I keep doing it to myself? See: masochism.

In Poetics, Aristotle writes about catharsis, the emotional cleansing or purification of the audience upon the ending of a tragedy. Strange, that. Upon the completion of a tragedy I tend to find myself RAGE-ing at the world at large. Then advertising said tragedy to everyone so that they can all share my grief. Say, maybe I'm a sadist as well as being a masochist.

Incidentally, I seem to have a penchant for liking moeblobs/tsunderes/tragic heroines in general (see: Lucy, coma-girl, Akari). I wonder what my psychologist would have to say to that, eh? Actually, I think I have a feeling what he might say. And I also have a feeling I probably won't like it.

"This is all just Jewish guilt!"

2008-10-14T03:28:00.000-07:00

Did you know that YouTube has a new function now? Before posting comments, they can be read to you in a voice that sounds uncannily like the one from the Project Chanology videos, in an effort to combat retarded posters who do not think before they post.

I think I spend a good ten minutes filling in REALLY BAD WORDS just to have them read back to me for shits and giggles. Yea, I'm easily amused.

What's funny is, the Disembodied Voice actually does a fair rendition of my name, which 90% of new people that I meet (and ~30% of my friends) mispronounce on a regular basis. It still mispronounces "loli", though.

WAKARIMASU KA~, part deux

2008-10-02T00:38:00.000-07:00

I saw skirt-girl-chan again today, wearing a different colored skirt. Beige it was, I think.

Now excuse me while I go appeal that restraining order.

WAKARIMASU KA~

2008-09-22T22:20:00.000-07:00

UBC is full of scary Asian males. Just ask the animu clubbu.

But I digress.

So today I saw a girl wearing a skirt. Nothing special, you say. After all, girls the world over (except in Fundamentalist Islamic countries) wear skirts. But this girl, my friends, shall go down in the annals of history as the one skirt wearer who will change the destiny of mankind.

For this girl was also riding a bicycle.

I'll leave it to you to realize the ramifications of such an act.

p.s. I think I kinda had an o____O face on when I was looking at her 'cuz she stared at me for a second. It was a combination of 1. How could anyone be so stupid and 2. More girls should be like her. Man, I'm such a pervert.

Half-Life Episode 3: France Gets Fucked

2008-09-10T21:15:00.001-07:00

Ohshi-

So ummm...crowbars, anyone?

FOB covers MJ's "Beat It"

2008-09-06T08:56:00.000-07:00

Pedophilic rock has never been so angsty.

EPIC LOLI RAGE

2008-09-03T21:02:00.000-07:00

Note: title has little/nothing to do with this post.

I hate how my friends laugh at me instead of helping me extract my foot when I accidentally get it stuck between two rocks while picking up ~~soap~~ a pot. I don't get enough love :'(

UBC's been going well for me this year, so far. The new agenda is bloody awesome, as it has a picture of a tree (?) on its cover. Oh yea, and the binding doesn't suck ass. I may actually use it, just like I may actually attend all my classes. Cue sarcastic laughter here.

I'm also registered for EOSC 116. For the uninitiated, EOSC is the course code for Earth and Ocean Sciences. And what is EOSC 116 about, and why am I so delirious with joy, you ask? Because it's about DINOSAURS. That's right. You heard it. DINOSAURS. Which other university would have a class as epic as studying fucking DINOSAURS???!? Certainly not SFU, ha ha.

And you can bet yer ass I'm bringing plastic Jurassic Park velociraptor models to the first class.

In a totally unrelated note, a Kingsway Sushi staff apparently plays Half-Life 2. How do I know? Take a look at this:

Now take a look at this:

See the similarity there? I bet there's a sushi maker out there somewhere, wondering how he'd integrate a Vortigaunt into a spicy tuna cone.

p.s. What sort of sick pervert would come up with erotic fanfiction for Jurassic Park? All my precious childhood memories of the movie have been sullied, thanks to someone's story of raptor on raptor...God, I can't even finish this. I hope he gets run over by a school bus full of six-year-olds.

Unintentional Emo!

2008-08-04T23:16:00.000-07:00

This just in! It's an incredibly retarded idea to "snowboard" down a hill on a piece of cardboard when there are rocks scattered throughout.

I wasn't drunk, by the way. And now my hands have little patches of skin missing, and my right pinky knuckle is swollen. So emo ;_;

Camping was pretty awesome though. Hide and seek in the dark, mafia (in which I died first almost every round), singing Hannah Montana, "pelican soup" and other happy stories, jumping/falling in the river, cross-cultural misunderstandings ("Hey Caucasian-boy! Come here!"; returning to civilization was somewhat of a drag after that.

On a side note, be careful what you wish for. You might not like it after you get it.

On a totally unrelated note:

[23:35:29] <@be0wulf> btw, what happened to jyuu?
[23:35:32] <@be0wulf> he's usually on now
[23:35:33] <@Jyuu> wow
[23:35:35] <@Jyuu> arenas
[23:35:36] <@be0wulf> along with deuce
[23:35:37] <@Jyuu> 2 mins
[23:35:39] <@be0wulf> ........
[23:36:02] <@vphamv> he re activated his WoW account
[23:36:06] <@vphamv> nuff said
[23:36:34] <@be0wulf> ahhhhhh
[23:36:36] <@be0wulf> i see
[23:36:40] <@be0wulf> wow
[23:36:45] <@be0wulf> whenever i say "i see"
[23:36:51] <@be0wulf> i keep thinking of anime
[23:36:54] <@be0wulf> dunno why
[23:37:10] <@vphamv> weirdo
[23:37:15] <@be0wulf> you know how like
[23:37:28] <@vphamv> ?
[23:37:29] <@be0wulf> sometimes the girl likes a guy
[23:37:35] <@be0wulf> and kinda hints at it
[23:37:41] <@be0wulf> but finds out the guy likes another girl
[23:37:43] <@be0wulf> and she goes
[23:37:45] <@be0wulf> "soka"
[23:37:46] <@be0wulf> or whatever
[23:37:48] <@be0wulf> lol
[23:37:51] <@be0wulf> wow i'm weird
[23:38:00] <@vphamv> ...
[23:38:10] <@vphamv> too much manga and animu me thinks
[23:38:16] <@be0wulf> you know what i'm talking about right?!?
[23:38:56] <@vphamv> yes yes be0
[23:39:06] <@vphamv> but you're still weird
[23:39:08] <@vphamv> =P
[23:39:34] <@be0wulf> ^.^
...
[23:43:05] <@be0wulf> i was watching
[23:43:08] <@be0wulf> 5cmps
[23:43:10] <@be0wulf> in my tent
[23:43:12] <@be0wulf> at night
[23:43:17] <@be0wulf> yesterday
[23:43:18] <@be0wulf> ;_;
[23:43:23] <@vphamv> whyz....
[23:43:26] <@be0wulf> dunno
[23:43:28] <@be0wulf> i only had
[23:43:36] <@vphamv> though ironically i was doing that on saturday. x.x
[23:43:38] <@be0wulf> haruhi, kgne, 5cm, and transformers on my ipod
[23:43:48] <@vphamv> and cowboy bebop last 3 episodes. x.x
[23:43:50] <@be0wulf> need to convert voices and place promised
[23:43:53] <@be0wulf> ;_;
[23:44:35] <@vphamv> eh
[23:44:39] <@vphamv> that was alright imo
[23:44:40] <@vphamv> not great
[23:44:57] <@be0wulf> i don't have anything else
[23:45:04] <@be0wulf> drill animu would take forever to convert
[23:45:09] <@be0wulf> and i don'tfeel like watching sola or ef
[23:45:24] <@vphamv> lol
[23:45:34] <@vphamv> gunbusters 2 imo
[23:45:36] <@be0wulf> bleh
[23:45:39] <@vphamv> 6 episodes
[23:45:43] <@be0wulf> shinkai needs to get his ass in gear
[23:47:10] <@vphamv> he's in europe
[23:47:23] <@vphamv> wonder if it'll be an old type movie
[23:47:34] <@vphamv> like the 1960's ish stuff
[23:48:17] <@be0wulf> well
[23:48:20] <@be0wulf> just as long as
[23:48:23] <@be0wulf> THERE ARE NO FUCKING TRAINS

That's all, folks. 'Til next time.

"You've got to be kidding..."

2008-07-28T09:34:00.001-07:00

"...you're telling me that there's no bbt place in the entire city?!?"

Day one of my short break from a certain non-profit organization was rather uneventful. We did drive around the city a bit, and I think we saw maybe...two restaurants with Chinese characters on their signs. Which is rather depressing. Makes me miss Vancouver already.

The motel that wee're staying at is pretty neat. Actually, that's a lie. the air conditioning unit is missing one of the dials, so you have to unscrew the top dial in order to work the bottom dial. The TV has maybe twenty channels, and the washroom is smaller than my closet. I'm writing this on the complimentary computer in the lobby, generously equipped with Windows 2000 and "high speed internet". On a side note, I am prone to exaggerration.

Other than that, there's not much to report. One nice thing about Victoria though: Snapple Iced Tea is ridiculously cheap here.

p.s. I miss my Strawberry smoothies =[

"So...uhhh...how do I turn it on?"

2008-07-22T05:52:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you, I was sorely tempted to make a p0n0s joke. But that would have been naughty. Oh so very naughty. So I resisted. Aren't you proud?

Me: "Okay, one more thing, guys. Before you light the stove, you have to say "attention, I'm lighting the stove." So that people around you would know. Lets try it out, everyone.

Bronze: (muttering) "Attention I'm lighting the stove."

Me: "No! Louder! Let's try this again. ATTENTION I'M LIGHTING THE STOVE!"

On a side note, sunglasses are awesome. Because with them on, people DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU'RE LOOKING. That's right, boy. Think I'm not looking at you listening to your iPod? THINK AGAIN!

That's right. Big Brother is watching. Bitch.

re: what xsf wants

2008-07-21T06:24:00.000-07:00

AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAH.

I literally lol'd.

"Lying is the most fun a girl can have...

2008-07-13T02:51:00.000-07:00

...without taking her clothes off, but it's better if you do."

What movie is that from? I thought of it because a random P!atD (or rather PatD now) song came on the radio today. But anyhow...

Three words, XSG: ONE WAY FUCKING STREETS!!!!11

Okay, so that's four words. I still haven't forgiven you though (good teamwork with the Halo, we totally need to do that again; giant motherfucking hammer, ftw!).

In other news, I have (had?) reached legal drinking age in Canada. Don't worry though, my liver will be well protected. I'll be sure to take some Pepto Bismol after my daily sessions of binge drinking.

p.s. Thanks for the lamp, guys (my dad thought it was hilarious). It shall find a home on my work desk.

p.p.s. I can be your hero babyyy..

It's a trap!

2008-07-09T15:28:00.000-07:00

[02:41:24] <@Dingir-Dante> So...
[02:41:35] <@Dingir-Dante> YOU ARE THE CANCER, ARKUDIOUS.
[02:41:46] <@Arkudious> whatever
[02:42:22] <@Arkudious> just know that I appreciate jun for her personality a lot more than her dick
[02:42:23] <@Dingir-Dante> Yeah
[02:42:24] <@Arkudious> his*
[02:42:39] <@Dingir-Dante> Dude
[02:42:45] <@Arkudious> I'm sorry
[02:42:51] <@Dingir-Dante> Yes, please.
[02:42:54] <@Arkudious> my finger keep typing out her and she
[02:42:59] <@Arkudious> fingers*
[02:43:10] <@Dingir-Dante> He's not a girl.
[02:43:11] <@Dingir-Dante> Mate
[02:43:14] <@Dingir-Dante> that's like saying
[02:43:21] <@Dingir-Dante> You're in love with a gay guy.
[02:43:28] <@Arkudious> see
[02:43:29] <@Dingir-Dante> Even if he looks like a girl
[02:43:30] <@Dingir-Dante> and
[02:43:31] <@Arkudious> see here
[02:43:33] <@Dingir-Dante> behaves like one
[02:43:35] <@Arkudious> my mind knows
[02:43:40] <@Arkudious> but my fingers dont
[02:43:41] <@Dingir-Dante> HE'S NOT A WOMAN YOU MORON
[02:43:53] <@Dingir-Dante> *sigh*
[02:44:15] <@Arkudious> I just got kinda lazy
[02:44:26] <@Arkudious> and don't relete use the backspace key anymore
[02:44:31] <@Arkudious> really*
[02:44:54] <@be0wulf> [02:43:35] <@Arkudious> my mind knows
[02:44:54] <@be0wulf> [02:43:40] <@Arkudious> but my fingers dont
[02:45:01] <@Dingir-Dante> pfft
[02:45:03] <@be0wulf> that can totally be misconstrued
[02:45:04] <@Arkudious> fuck you beo

Go die in a fire

2008-07-03T06:35:00.000-07:00

Okay, first things first. I promise I'll post more regularly, now that school's pretty much finished (no, not because a certain someone makes me feel inadequate, har har). With that out of the way...

Why the fuck do people feel the urge to express emotion through their MSN screen name? Here, take a note at this:

Take a closer look at the eighth dude down (yea, it's a dude; emo girls are non-existent, you pervert). "Am I blind or am I a fool? - 1 cut for every day she's not here for me"

Seriously mate. Just...why?

1. The girl's hardly going to change in her feelings for you, just because you're threatening to harm yourself. Unless her name is Jesus.

2. Cutting is bad for you. Seriously. Just ask that guy from My Chemical Romance. Cutting caused him to release the gong show that was The Black Parade.

3. Okay, so maybe cutting is a way in which you express yourself. Sexually. After all, Mr. Trudeau did say something about the government having no business in the nation's bedrooms. But do you really need to tell the world about your sick, sick fantasies of bloody bathtubs and moist razors? I think not.

4. Assuming that the man in question actually means this as a joke, a reflection of the state of today's society, if you will. Then the fact that someone (like me) is making a blog post ridiculing him makes it distinctly unfunny. People are supposed to laugh with you, not at you, amirite?

But I digress.

So why do people often express their moods through their screen names? As we speak, someone is indubitably changing their handle to something along the lines of ...uhhh..."i miss u so much baby, pls come bak 2 me soon otherwise i'll take this knife and slice off my fucking ear".

Okay, so I made that up. But seriously, guys. Expressing your innermost hopes, desires, fears, over the internet? Discounting the fact that communicating via the internet is about as impersonal as one can get, and no one's likely to care anyways, why do people still do it?

Well, once upon a time, whenever I saw someone with anything like a sad face (did you see what I did there?) in their handle, I'd immediately message them and ask them what was wrong. But as it went on, I realized that most of their problems were quite...petty, in the grand scheme of things. (Asian) failed tests, break ups, and the like. Typical teenage drama.

So maybe I'm being a bit of an arrogant douche here, but grow the fuck up, people. The world, believe it or not, revolves around the sun, not you. Regardless of your mark on that Chemistry test, the sun will rise tomorrow, crude oil will still be ridiculously expensive, and George Bush will still be a retard. So suck it up, princess. You may talk about your troubles to someone with a sympathetic ear, but for the love of [insert deity here], don't broadcast your angst through the excessive use of "
Because everytime you do that, God infects a kitten with AIDS.

P.S. Some may think this post is a bit ironic, with the whole me being considered "emo" bit. If you know me well enough, you'll know that I'm not really the...cutter type, so I won't bother explaining about this bit here.

P.P.S. According to Reuters, 100% of males enjoyed, in varying degrees, this movie, whereas 100% of females did not enjoy it. So if you're a guy, watch it. If you're a girl...watch it anyways, then come back and complain to me how much the movie sucked, so I can prove to you that Jay Chou sucks cucumbers.

//edit: Well, I just read over my post again, and I realize that I do, in fact, sound like an arrogant douche. Or well. Yay me. If the game of life had Steam achievements, I've just completed the one for Douchebaggery.

"I've got a bad feeling about this..."

2008-06-07T17:22:00.000-07:00

To whom it may concern~

I have a strong sense of justice. My personality is basketball. Marital status: single male.

Thank you for your time.

He loved not wisely but too well

2008-05-18T01:04:00.000-07:00

Jyuu took this screenshot of me failing at CounterStrike: Source.

I think I need a girlfriend.

Re: That Tobey Maguire movie

2008-05-06T04:13:00.000-07:00

No, it wasn't Suburbia. And it sure as hell wasn't Disturbia.

This was the flick I was talking about:

I watched it in Grade 12 for Philosophy, and I daresay it's a truly excellent flick. Points for references to the book To Kill a Mockingbird.

It's a trap!

2008-05-05T04:03:00.000-07:00

So I was at the library, flipping through a new issue of Rolling Stone, when I saw a picture of this person:

My first reaction was that she was pretty hot. Yea, I'm sucker for rocker chicks.

Then I read the caption to the picture.

And I realize that the rocker chick was actually a rocker...dude.

Shit.

Sex and love's not real when it's from you (Part I)

2008-04-20T04:06:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh, Spring. That magical time of year when a young man's fancy turns to love. Well, except me it would seem, even though I do fit the above criteria (I'm young and I'm a man, believe it or not). So why then, am I still SINGLE? Why am I not out there, actively looking for a relationship? The answer is simple¹.

It's because 2-dimensional girls are better than their real-life counterparts.

To prove it, I've made a list of the pros and cons of each type of girl.

2-dimensional girls

Pros:

1. They will never cheat on you; after all, you're the only male they'll ever have access to.

2. Interacting with them is like doing a multiple choice test, except there are no wrong answers.

3. Miss your girlfriend? Just load up your game and you're good to go.

4. PMS does not exist.

5. They will never ask for your real-life money.

6. If you get bored of her, your next girlfriend is as close as www.thepiratebay.org.

7. Will have physical features not commonly found in the real world. I'll leave it at that.

8. Screw up the relationship but you want to make up? It's as easy as loading your last save file.

9. They are all scantily clad. No exceptions.

10 You don't have to ask her out. It's already predestined.

Cons:

1. The length of your relationship is dependent upon how fast your play the game. Which is usually around 10 hours.

2. You can't actually cuddle with them. Or kiss them. Or do other adult activities with them.

3. When they talk, it usually sounds like a cross between a chipmunk and a 6-year-old girl.

4. Their love for you is expressed through Times New Roman, size 12.

Real-life girls

Pros:

1. The length of your relationship is dependent upon how many shiny baubles you buy her.
Uhh...that counts as a good thing I suppose.

2. You can cuddle with them as much as you want. And kiss them. And participate in adult activities. Unless you live in Maryland, of course.

3. Most girls don't actually sound like Chris Crocker. Seriously.

4. Their love for you is expressed through...see number 2 above.

Cons:

1. Infidelity has a chance of occurring. So does divorce.

2. Interacting with them is like doing a multiple choice test, except there are no right answers.

3. If you miss your girlfriend, you've actually got to pay money to text her and stuff. Who's got time to do that?

4. Every month, at around a certain time, she will get pissed at you for no good reason. No exceptions.

5. Just count yourself lucky that her birthday doesn't fall between your anniversary and Valentine's Day.

6. If you get bored of her, you'd have to repeat the whole mating dance ritual process all over again. PLUS you have to watch your back, especially if you live in Japan.

7. Physical features are restricted to her genetic material. Turquoise hair is also out of the question.

8. Screw up the relationship and you want to make up? Start with flowers, slowly working your way up to your left pinky on a plate.

9. Unfortunately, societal norms dictate that a certain amount of clothing be worn in our day-to-day lives.

10 The male courtship dance, otherwise known as “asking a girl out”, is often a nerve-wracking and distressing event. Children under the age of 14 or 160cm need not apply.

And there you have it. Undebatable proof that 2-dimensional girls are, indeed, superior to real-life girls. Now excuse me while I load up Hisui-chan.

Kyaaa! Kawaii desu ne?~~

¹No, the answer is not “commitment”. Har har har.

Post-script: This post was inspired both by the following video and by a conversation I had with certain people on IRC. Y'all know who you are.

Post-post-script: Part II, if I ever get around to it, will probably be rated 18A and contain many penis jokes. You have been forewarned.

CARAMELL DANSU!

2008-04-15T20:19:00.000-07:00

Those silly Japanese. Whatever will they think of next?

Empathy has its limits

2008-04-14T21:44:00.000-07:00

I wonder why certain people hold this belief that the world is inherently a nice place.

It isn't.

Last week, me and my mates were at a bubbletea place, and one of the waitresses dropped a box filled with little somethings. Because the world has laws (in this case, gravity) that oppress us and keep us from being happy individuals, the little somethings scattered across the floor. Nothing major, right? I mean, compared to contracting AIDS or meeting Hilary Clinton in person, this event really isn't all that traumatic. Right? Wrong.

The waitress immediately start crying. And when I say crying, I mean crying.

Okay, so you did it in front of all the customers. Maybe your house burned down that morning, your dog ate your grandmother and died of indigestion, and your boyfriend decided that Hilary Clinton's ass was more appealing than yours. So what. In the grand scheme of things, your little mishap did not matter. Like at all. You're gonna go through life facing a lot more shit (e.g. combustion of shelter, murderous canines, perfidious boyfriends, etc.). If you're going to shed tears over every little injustice you suffer, then you're better off dead. Because really, eternal rest is a far better choice than spending half your paycheque on Kleenex.

So maybe it's my misanthropic nature talking. But really now, crying over spilled little somethings? What would your mother say?

p.s. one of my friend's actually felt like crying after seeing the aforementioned waitress cry. i'm not even gonna go there.

p.p.s. keep in mind that this waitress didn't really look like the damsel in distress type. she had the make-up, the tight jeans, the whole nine yards. she looked like she was serious business. that probably made me want to ridicule her more though, har har har.